So What’s Hippaning?

I figured I’d break from my notepad-transcriptions for one entry to give a little update as to what’s happening in the here and now, rather than the pseudo real-time ramblings of several weeks ago. Which are sort-of working. But there’s notes for around another seven pieces, including what will be a sobering compilation of my cynical late-night, often intoxicated bar writings. It’ll either be a bit funny, or more likely just an embarrassing, horribly depressing read. Postal ballots will be distributed in preparation for its publication.

Anyway, today marks exactly one month of being in New Zealand, and things aren’t going too badly. I’ve got a huge room in a large, detached house in a suburb so cool they based New Zealand’s first primetime TV cartoon series there. Of course nobody outside the country has ever heard of Bro Town, but all you need to know is I’m Morningside 4 Life! And that it’s not actually that funny. YouTube it only if you’re terribly bored. My housemates are fantastic, and I feel genuinely lucky to have found them. One works in TV, another in radio, one is an amazing cook and makes dresses (saving me tons in new clothes), the other two a musician and a skate-boarding student. Or rather a student who skateboards. The former I can only imagine exist only at selected ex-polytechnics. Oh, we also have a cat called Bujha who’s convinced he’s human. And gay. He’s also black. But we’re a tolerant household, so love him anyway.

Next, I currently have 2.2 full-time jobs. The first interview I got within five days of being in Auckland. It was for an electronics store called Bond + Bond, akin to Dixons back in the UK. Alan, who does a brilliantly unintentional Murray from Flight of the Conchords with his morning meetings, offered me the job straight away, but took about two weeks to get the references sorted. Instead of just tapping my foot (although I did a lot of that with the huge amount of live music about the city) waiting for a start date, I kept handing out CVs and scored an interview with Electronics Boutique Games, a store re-branded like so many others in the UK donkey‘s years ago - New Zealand proudly lives the early 1990’s English dream. They called to offer me a job two days after I entered the murky world of commission-based consumer electronics. In my opinion - like the epileptic who takes his medicine - giving honest, untainted advice and working for commission just doesn’t fit. Plus being told to push unnecessary and overpriced shite on people who’ve already agreed to part with thousands of dollars for huge TVs or a MacBook Pro is simply awful. So selling video games to spoilt, irritating kids and chronic masturbators seemed like a better option. With no threat of personal gain on the line, I reckon it’ll be easier to give proper customer service. I say ‘reckon’ because were I 100% definitely taking it, I wouldn’t be starting for another week or so. Telling my boss at Bond + Bond was especially difficult. Quitting a job in sales is far, far harder than quitting the gym like in that well funny Friends episode. Ever the expert salesman, Alan attempted to sell my job back to me, not taking “Just fuck off and leave me alone!” for an answer. I handed over my letter regardless but said, as a favour I’d think on it some more. My final answer is due on Sunday. Gross misconduct would be a far easier way out. Drawing gigantic cocks in permanent marker on all the computer screens or being sick on a 46” Samsung Series 6 would probably do the trick. And in truth both options aren’t entirely off the table yet. I will keep you posted.

On a much, much brighter note, the other 0.2 full-time job constitutes one projection shift a week at an incredibly cute 2-screen independent art-house cinema called the Academy, situated underneath the central library in the city centre. Through the Wednesday Auckland Group CouchSurfing drinks I met Aaron, a loveable Kiwi master’s degree physicist and organiser of the weekly meet/greet/booze-up. We were talking jobs and upon mentioning my years of projectionism, he said “Hey, my housemate actually co-owns a small cinema here, you want me to arrange a meeting?” - Or something like that (Aaron if you ever read this, apologies for any misquoting. And also for saying you’re ‘lovable’ when ‘bastardly’ is clearly more appropriate).
“Hell yeah!”
“Consider it done.”
So to cut a long story medium, I met Gina and she didn’t hate me. She showed me their 35mm projector - a Kinoton FP30D - just one model below what I used back at Odeon. After a trail shift with her head projectionist, they both seemed dead keen to have me, and it goes without saying I was dead keen to accept. But I said it anyway. Sorry.

So, I’ll wrap this up now. One month in things are going pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. I’ve got my first stand-up set this Monday at Auckland’s dedicated comedy club, The Classic. It’s a sort of acts-organised-in-advance open mic night they do every week called Raw. Come, it‘s only $5 entry! If you leave the UK on Saturday, you might just make it. Although there’s a danger I may well use jokes you’ve all heard a billion (or 3) times before, so probably not that worth it.

Miss you all,

Andy/Andrew.